Haldir's Diary
by Tricia3
Summary: Rating is just to be safe. Haldir writes what REALLY happened during the war of the ring. My take on Haldir being something of a prankster. COMPLETE ..finally
1. The Fellowship Arrives

Haldir's Diary

  
  


Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to Middle Earth or the characters within. Nor am I making any money off of this.

  
  


Author's note: I've read so many of these diary things, and they're so well written. They've inspired me to do one of my own. The concept of LOTR character diaries obviously isn't mine. I'm just putting my own spin on someone's brilliant idea. 

Hope you like it, please review and tell me what you think. Parts you liked, parts you didn't like, any way I could make it better. :D 

  
  
  
  


Day .... please, when was the last time an elf kept track of what day it was.....

Am sitting at the border waiting for the fellowship, who Lady Galadriel assures me is coming today.

I asked her how she knew; she said her mirror never lies. It may not lie but it's not always accurate either.

Later.

Fellowship has still not arrived.

  
  


Day, oh for crying out loud!

Saw fellowship in the distance. Threw Rumil out of the tree...so he could get a better look.....ok so they were moving slowly and I was getting bored of waiting. Plus you should have seen how he landed. I never knew an elf's body could twist like that.

Fellowship _ finally_ entered woods. Let them get deep into woods before my guards and I surrounded them. Wanna be king not amused, apparently he thinks we took too long. He should talk.

Took count of fellowship in case we loose any in the river. Need to know how many I might have to replace.

Fellowship consists of 2 filthy men (who probably don't know the meaning of the word "bath"), 4 short people, 1short walking furry cloak....oh wait that's a dwarf ...ick ..and 1 brat, I mean elf, from Mirkwood who thinks he's a better archer than me.

Please the only reason he won that competition was because he sneezed when I went to take my shot. Elves with allergies _suuure_.

  
  


Next day.

Almost at the city. Had minor issue earlier with the dwarf not wanting to be blindfolded. He thinks we'll do something to him. Dwarf obviously overvalues himself as it is common knowledge that elves don't mate with anything that has more than 4 percent body hair. The dwarf is running on 78% .....

Wannabe king of many names, or should that be ranger with an identity crisis? Either way he's decided that the entire fellowship will be blindfolded. I decided to lead Mirkwood brat, I mean prince, so that he could be tripped, I mean _lead_, as well as possible. 

Didn't last long as Galadriel sent message that fellowship could walk without blindfolds.

Total number of trips: 8

Warned wannabe king that he is _not_ to smoke anywhere in or near the city as we are still recovering from the last time he indulged his habit. Lord Celeborn's study _still_ has singe marks.....

  
  


Day...do I really have to do this?!

Brought fellowship before the Lord and Lady. Got to see Mirkwood brat, um prince, put in his place about the balrog incident before leading the fellowship to their quarters. It's just a pavilion on the ground, apparently no one wanted to give up their talan.

Later.

Came back to see if the fellowship needed anything. Caught wannabe king smoking his pipe, but pretended not to notice as he hurriedly shoved it behind his back. Made my inquiry as ranger pretended he hadn't been doing anything. Continued to stay and ended up in staring match with him. Had to end it as smoke started filling the glade. Was extremely satisfying to see ranger run off with his posterior in flames.

Later still.

Found out ranger faced intense lecture from Celeborn for smoking in Lorien. Just wait until Galadriel finds out the ranger extinguished himself in her water dish, um _mirror_.

  
  


Yet another day (biiig surprise there..)

Aragorn can't sit due to his "condition", and yes Galadriel did find out. He now has to clean the alter the mirror rests on-every little bit of it. Took extreme pleasure in making sure he cleaned the lower parts. I didn't know humans could make faces like that when they're in pain. Quite funny.

Mirkwood brat has taken to informing everyone that _he_ is the best archer. Have challenged him to a competition.

Later.

Had competition...sort of. Was completely prepared for distraction tactics-except for the one that had pebbles used as projectiles aimed at my rear. Got my revenge though as I "accidently" shot the brat in the foot.

What? I'm not the best archer remember? I'm expected to miss every now and then.....

  
  


Next day.

Galadriel approached me and said she knew that I shot the brat, prince, on purpose. I asked her how she knew and she responded by saying that her mirror shows her many things. Amazed at it's level of accuracy, I asked her if she had finally replaced the batteries to it.

She took my bow so that it could be a parting "gift" for the Mirkwood brat. Do you know how long it takes to make a bow of that quality?!

Really hope that the mirror didn't show her the poison ivy I spread over the pants of the other human's change of clothes...

On a side note: the rest of the fellowship has noticed that those of their company that stay around me end up visiting the healers. They are now avoiding me. Oh well they leave tomorrow anyway.

  
  


Day....oh who cares...

Fellowship left today, and along with them my bow. Am a bit sad as they proved to be quite amusing and am almost tempted to follow them, if only to retrieve my bow. Was there to present cloaks to fellowship and helped the dwarf into the boats Celeborn gave them. Tried not to laugh as he slipped and fell into the water. Honestly I couldn't have done better if I tried, oh wait, I did. Discovered that dwarves look liked drowned wargs when wet. 

Need to figure out ways to get Galadriel to send the fellowship help. The thought of tormenting them further is the most fun I've had in...well a long time. I hear that she is about to go and talk to Elrond about the elves involvement in the war against Sauron. Should prove to be interesting....

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Well that's it. Hope you liked it. Please review. Oh, and by the way, for those who want to complain about what Haldir did to the fellowship. I have nothing against any of these characters, I actually like all of them, but the opportunity to torment them was too much to resist :D


	2. Aftermath

Haldir's Diary

  
  


Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters, or middle earth.....

  
  


Author's note: Wow, I honestly didn't expect anyone to read this. Thank you sooo much for the reviews :D. I hadn't planned on writing any other chapters, but another idea struck me so here it is. Oh and before I forget, this is a little movie verse but, don't panic yet. Bear with me, I do have an idea (I wasn't happy when I saw TTT and saw Haldir die).

  
  
  
  


Day...I refuse to fill this in! 

Fellowship left yesterday and I _ really_ wish I had gone with them. Turns out that when I snuck into the tailor's, not only did I coat the human's pants in poison ivy, but I managed to get some on Lord Celeborn's as well. Guess they weren't Leggie's after all.....

At least it explains why Celeborn hasn't been able to sit still all day. Am keeping a low profile. 

On a side note: Galadriel hasn't been able to contact Elrond yet. Seems her husband's "dancing" around Lorien is too distracting. Kinda a mix between a can-can and the waltz, must say it's very amusing...

Later.

Galadriel is throwing a party tonight. Supposed to bring hope to the Golden wood that the quest will be successful. Though everyone knows it's an attempt to cover up Celeborn's embarrassing situation as he now has an excuse to move around so much. There's a rumor that Celeborn will teach us a "new" dance tonight. Will go, just in case something interesting happens. Plus I haven't missed a party..well since Rumil was out of diapers.

  
  


Day..99 bottles of mead in a tree 99 bottles of meeead! Oh yeah..

Party was fun, well fun from what I saw. Much dancing and drinking. Celeborn's "new" dance had many elves looking like the dwarf right before he fell in the water. Very funny. 

Galadriel danced with _every_ male elf. Suspect she was trying to check their hands for signs of poison ivy. Lucky for me I had cloth covering my hands when I went about my ivy business. Spent most of the night standing, with the exception of the "voluntary" dance, on the sidelines as still don't want to draw attention to myself. Though that proved to be difficult when Orophin, in his drunken state, mistook me for Amrina and *shudder* nope not remembering that....

Lord Celeborn is still unable to sit still, despite all the lotions the healers have given him. I don't think that I put _that_ much on his pants, but you never know. Celeborn has launched a full investigation to find out who the culprit is. He's promising that revenge will be swift and painful. He has Galadriel's full support. Guess he accidentally kicked her a few times last night.

Have volunteered to take an extra shift on the borders. I'm _so_ helpful.

  
  


Day...There once was an elf named Bill who couldn't sit still on his hill, he-oh never mind.

Was about to head out to the borders when I got the call to see the Lord and Lady. Was hoping it was only to inform the results of Galadriel and Elrond's meeting. No such luck. Apparently I wasn't as sneaky as I thought. One of the tailors reported seeing me "handle" some of the garments. They didn't believe I was there to check out hobbit fashion.

One angry elven ruler is uncomfortable, _two_ angry elven rulers is down right terrifying. I actually think I saw smoke coming out of Celeborn's ears and Galadriel started emitting a green light. She hasn't been getting much sleep due to Celeborn's constant moving. Celeborn saw it fit to describe the rash he has acquired. Not pretty, still feeling sick actually. Will never look at blue cheese the same again!

Am now demoted to dish duty until they think of something better. Rumil finds this all to be very funny.

  
  


Day ....Why me!

My hands are in a constant state of pruning and my hair has fallen flat. To add insult to injury Rumil has taken to "visiting". If he knocks over one more dish I'll send him gift wrapped to Mordor!

"Oops! Haldir I swear I didn't see that stack of plates there." Humph. I wonder if elves make for good floatation devices..

Orophin isn't much better. He keeps "forgetting" where to put any dirty dishes he's used during his visits. To top that off he usually has soup or chilli or something else that'll drip all the way down the stacks of clean dishes. Have added him to my "to get" list.

But I have discovered benefits. She-elves are even more captivating when their dresses are soaked with dish water. The material clings and....I think I'd serve better if I "supervised". I'm much better at observing.

  
  


Day .... Liberated elf, sort of...

Galadriel and Celeborn summoned me for another "meeting". She's talked to Elrond and they've decided to send elves to help men fight at a place called "Helm's Deep". By the time we get there 10, 000 Uruk Hai will be well on there way, if not almost there. Compare that to maybe 300 men already at Helm's Deep. I believe the plea from Galadriel went something like this: "Men aren't strong enough and Middle Earth will fall if we don't help defeat the evil".

Translation: We need a path outta this hell hole before it caves, please clear the way.

They say that all is forgiven, I've suffered and learned my lesson. Also that I've been promoted (at this Celeborn started coughing, although it suspiciously sounded more like a laugh...) And will be leading the army. I asked if I could bring Rumil. A pack horse would cramp my style and we need to look intimidating and superior here! 

  
  


Day ..Heading out..

Am all packed for trip to rescue inept humans. Very pleased to hear that brat _and_ dwarf will be there. Wonder how wannabe king is doing. He is after all keeping coming with a king that actually _has_ a kingdom. Might just bring some special things for them.

Was given gifts of armor and cape by Galadriel and Celeborn. Celeborn is having trouble keeping a straight face, though he is finally able to sit still. Guess the cream finally worked.

Armor feels like it was made out of tin foil and the red cape stands out in the dark. Kinda makes me feel like a homing beacon. Politely asked why cape was so different from the others and they said it was so I was identifiable as the leader. If it had been a black cape I might be mistaken for an orc by the humans. Since when did orcs have golden hair?

  
  


Sorry, I am working on length.

Please review.


	3. Many Meetings

Haldir's Diary

  
  


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em...*covers up my plan of action to own them*..what that? Ummm, nope I didn't see anything....

  
  


Author's note: Well here it is, the last chapter, well it is until I finish reading TTT and ROTK. *Runs for my books*. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to everyone who's reviewed! (Gypsy Rain, Werecat99, Dusk-Singer, padawanjinx, Imbefaniel, CocoBeans, Debby, Cheryl, Foilist, HPandLOTRfanatic, Bulma Greenleaf, HollyHobbit, Sara) Your comments were and continue to be very encouraging and motivating. It's why I added chapter 2 and this one. :D 

  
  
  
  


Day..Does it really count as being a "new" day if the scenery doesn't seem to change?

Are on long trip to save humans. There had better be a BIG reward for this. There's not much water in sight. How am I supposed to bathe? My hair needs to be conditioned every other day. Am conti plating taking some of the drinking supply. They wont miss it, elves have amazing abilities when it comes to endurance.

Feet are sore, think I'm getting blisters. Would ask Rumil to carry me, but I am the leader and have to maintain appearances. Wouldn't look good to be carried. Plus he can barely manage what he's got. I haven't given him much. My pack consists of my mirror, brush, soap, towel, moisturizer, sun screen, book: "The Complete History of Middle Earth"-for on the way. Then there's the extra food, blankets, a couple of change of clothes and other essentials I can't bear to leave behind. And that's just my share. Have no idea why he'd complain about it's weight. 

Spotted Orophin among the ranks, trying to blend in. Claimed he was feeling left out. He never could handle being on his own for long. Either way it makes it easier for me to get my revenge on him.

  
  


Day...I'm too sexy for my cape, too sexy for my cape...

Scenery still hasn't changed much, though spotted pool of water. Put Rumil's hand in warm water while he was sleeping. Smell not pleasant but reaction was hilarious. His ears twitch when he's upset and he makes this little snorting noise...but that's not all. Pasted his spare pair of underpants shut. Now he has the choice of no underpants with his armor or wet underpants. Let me tell you, no underpants with over decorated armor..not a good idea.

Orophin being very cautious around me after I came at him in the middle of the night looking like the grim reaper. The cape does have potential. He hadn't removed his boots and, very conveniently, they were tied together when he woke. Have no idea how that happened.....

Ah the power!

Later.

Spotted man made structure in the distance. Actually I smelled the scent of many unwashed bodies first, but hey I'm not criticizing *smirk*. Should reach it by tomorrow morning at the latest. Though at the rate these elves are walking, it may be tomorrow evening. Still nothing can dampen my mood. I get to see the dwarf and the brat! Must make sure packages are still in good condition....

  
  


Day...I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of, ok ok....

Decided not to pull prank on brothers as we need to look presentable. Plus need to focus on looking intimidating and plotting schemes against the brat. He still has my bow. 

Ok, ok. So the real reason is I'm feeling a little sorry for Rumil. He now has a rash, the wet underpants was irritating to his skin. He's now hobbling along, pretending as if nothing is wrong. Though I think I heard him muttering not so flattering things about me.

Later.

Have finally arrived at Helm's deep. Had satisfaction of awing human soldiers with our perfect presence and co ordinated footwork. Eat that humans! Was greeted by Rohan King and wannabe king, who smells worse then when he arrived at Lorien, if that's even possible. Of course Ranger boy chooses that moment to embrace me. No bath water in sight and I get a hug that would squeeze the ugly out of an orc. How am I supposed to concentrate on the battle now? I smell like unwashed armpits. *do not gag, do not gag, do not....Outta my WAY!*

Side note: Mirkwood *cough* pansy *cough* prince showed up with _my_ bow strapped to his back. He did it on purpose, I know it!

Dwarf, oddly enough, tried to stay out of view. Who's afraid of the big bad bath!?!

  
  


Day....Simon says jump up and down, Simon says stand on the wall, touch your nose....

Have arranged elves as such: those that have wronged me are on the wall, those who annoy me are not far behind them, those that have been _nice_ to me are at the back. Brothers have been given the task of making arrows foe the elves, inside the keep. Doubt they'll actually stay in there. I tell you I get no respect. 

Unwashed wannabe king is on a power trip, probably trying to show up the Rohan king. He's taken to the idea the _he_ is in control of the elven army. He may have been raised by an elf, but his daddy isn't here now! This is my army, _given_ to me by his daddy and I'll never give it up!

Am placed among the rest of the archers.

Gave Dwarf a spray bottle and said it was from the Lady. He used all of it at once. Cannot stop laughing. Dwarf no longer smells bad. In fact smells very pretty. It should last for two weeks-even through many washes. Will avoid dwarf as he now wont stop fingering his axe.

Pansy approached me and asked if we could have a truce. He's sensed my hostility towards him. I agreed and gave him "special" lembas as a peace offering. It should take effect right before the battle starts. 

Later. 

Orcs have managed to aline themselves along the bottom of the wall an _were_ waiting somewhat patiently. Very inept human couldn't keep a hold on the arrow he had and shot an orc. Thus stating the battle. Have made mental note to remind Rohan king that this is his fault. Uruk Hai smell even worse up close. 

Completely random thought: Did you know that Uruk Hai could keep a beat? I didn't, made mental note to increase training for elves. Will not be shown up by things that have never seen a toothbrush!

Lembas has now taken effect. He can look at it this way: now can say he is able to do two things at once. And it is helpful to him. How many elves do you know that can pass gas to the tune of the "Lay of Luthien". Uruk Hai are trying to avoid him. Those that come near can not claim consciousness for long. I'm so good. *grin*

And Later Still.

Have almost had my sword knocked out of my hand twice now. These Uruk Hai are stronger than they look. Have discovered that, in a pinch, day old lembas makes for a deadly discus. Almost cleaved the Uruk Hai armor in two. Must remember to thank the bakers. 

Uruk Hai turned into pyromaniacs and blew a hole in the wall. Pansy was unsuccessful in stopping the runner, big surprise there. It's been raining a lot, ranger will finally be clean!

Even Later Than That.

"I'm in charge, everyone listen to meeeeee" Wannabe king has ordered everyone to comeback. We're losing. I now know why I was sent to the ugly piece of rock that the humans call their fortress. Will get them back if I ever get released from Mandos.

And a Little Later Than That.

Was right, will not make it out of here. Was ambushed by two Uruk Hai, one after the other. Honestly, what sort of a creature hacks an elf in the back. Hope the trip to Mandos is first class as don't want to deal with in flight peanuts. They're not even seasoned!

  
  
  
  


Day..twilight zone...

The Halls of Mandos, I must say it's all very... don't quite know how to describe it. Unreal would be one way. All of the presences of elves gone before were so sorrowful. It was seriously cramping my mood. But it didn't last long as Mandos called me in for an immediate audience. That in itself had me worried. Either I'm more important than I thought or he took those pranks a little too seriously....

Later.

I'm so happy I'm almost willing to swear of doing any more pranks. Almost. Turns out that....well let me just take you there...

"Haldir do you know why you're here?" Mandos asked.

"Cause I died?" I looked at him hoping that it hadn't been a trick question. It hadn't.

"Well at least you're coherent. Most take a few years before they can form any ideas of where they are or why they're here." He said wryly. "Yes, you died. However, there is a problem."

I gulped. _Here it comes, 5000 years of cleaning the outhouses of the dead..._

"Manwe, has requested an immediate audience to explain this problem and to sort it out. So off you go." And then he held the door open for me. Great as if I wasn't nervous enough.

The trip was fairly short and in no time I was before Manwe. Another unreal experience. But awe inspiring too. He started off with the same question Mandos did. Obviously there is a serious break in communication over there. Or they wanted to take pleasure in reminding me of my death. However, I responded just the same.

"I'm here because I died sir, um my Lord." Did I mention I was nervous?

"No need to be nervous, and call me Manwe or, as my wife knows me, Peter." he chuckled. I became confused.

"I desire that fate play out as it already has. You are dead and it is my will that you remain so. What do you think of this?" He looked at me and I could feel my emotions being searched.

"I didn't realize that I was allowed to question your decisions." He laughed. 

"You're not, but I needed to see how you would react. I resolve-" he was interrupted as the doors to his chambers opened. Someone with an even greater aurora entered.

"Peter, it was not my will that he die at Helm's Deep, yet you have seen fit to allow this." Manwe, um Peter, looked away, clearly uneasy.

"John, it is what has already happened. I let your creatures do as they will-without interference." My confusion reached new levels. Who was John? They must have sense my growing anxiety for they both turned to me.

"Haldir" Manwe/Peter got my attention "meet Eru, or John as I call him." My eyes widened and I fell to the floor, not daring to look up. Eru/John chuckled.

"Rise child, I will not have my children fear me." I looked up into the face of the wisest being I had ever seen. 

"You were not meant to die at Helm's Deep, yet it has come to pass. That I will not change. I will, however, give you a choice. Be returned to Arda or reborn on Valinor. Not much time has passed since Helm's Deep. What say you?" He looked at me awaiting my answer. 

"If I choose to return to Arda, may I still, at a later date, sail west?" I needed to know I had an option of leaving the world of humans, the thought of staying with them forever..I think I'd rather see Mandos again...

Eru/John laughed as if reading my thoughts. He probably was.

"Yes. You will still be an elf and therefore still have the option of coming to Valinor. Though I encourage you to make friends with the humans, should you choose to return. You are all my creations and it pains me to see so much strife between my children." 

I thought for a moment. I could handle going back. I could even handle being...friends with them. Well as long as they promised to bath at least once a day. I sighed.

"Then my Lord Eru, um John, I wish to go back to Arda." He nodded. The room lit up in a blinding light. When it died down I was in the middle of a field. I looked ahead and could clearly see a city. Minas Tirith. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


End....for now...

  
  
  
  


Well that's it. I hope no one is offended by the above scene. My concept, for that, was that Peter Jackson play the part of Manwe and J.R.R. Tolkien play Eru. Made sense to me, seeing as how Mr. Tolkien created the story "Lord of the Rings" and Mr. Jackson made the movies. It also gave me a way to bring Haldir back....cause he didn't die in the books!!! *looks at Peter Jackson* 

Again please review and thanks for reading :D


	4. Can't keep a good elf down

Halidr's Diary 

Well here I am again. Let me just say how sorry I am that this took so long. I didn't have this part written out and when I went to write it all my ideas left me *glares at muse* But it's all finished now. So here it is, hopefully as good, if not better than the previous chapters.

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any of the characters within (I tried holding them hostage but it didn't work, drat!!) they belong to the genius Tolkien and his family.

Author's note: I happen to like John Noble and think he did a wonderful job as Denethor, but I couldn't resist picking on him so please don't flame me for that.  Reviews, as always, are appreciated. 

**Day.. and the story continues or, can't keep a good elf down..**

It only took me half a day to reach the city, and another 15 minutes to get up to the top. Nobody told me the layout was like that of a spiral donut. The fluid in my ear is still swirling.

And wouldn't it be just my luck that I would arrive just after lunch. Roasted chicken in a herb marinated sauce, that's gourmet to an elf who's lived on lembas for the past few weeks. Met current ruler, the Steward "Lord Denethor" as he calls himself. Apparently his son was in the fellowship, emphasis on _was_ though. He's a little …...well let's just say that off his rocker would be putting it delicately. It's more along the lines of he could be a poster child for the reasons _not_ to do drugs. His blank stare and constant petting of his dead son's broken horn is just a little creepy.

Have gotten him to let me stay the night, will rest while plotting my next move.

Side note: the aversion to bath water seems to be genetic.

**Day.. a rose by any other name or, an elf doesn't change..**

It's amazing what a decent meal and a good night's sleep will do for you. Have taken a tour of the palace (too much stone, not enough light-some nice women though) and gotten the tourist's view of the city, slower so as to retain my upright position (who's bright idea was it to design the city in a spiral?). Have also convinced Denethor to let me stay here indefinitely. I mean, he could use the wisdom and experience of a being that is several thousands of years old _and_ has served elven royalty. I am _such_ a diplomat. Must go and make myself very useful in the kitchen (good food and nice women, now I know why I wanted to come back..)

Greatest thing about this place so far: the way they roast their chicken.

Worst thing about this place so far: that stuff they call wine, 250 years is _not_ old. Whoever made this stuff should be fed to the orcs.

**Day.. everybody loves Kung Fu Fighting!**

Am so ready to toss Denethor over a ledge. To every suggestion I make he replies, "we're all going to die, only Sauron can save us" or, "Boromir, why?" Has he forgotten that Sauron doesn't even have a body (or that he's the reason for us being in the trouble we're in), how can he help? His glazed over look is still in place.

Have since taken to giving impromptu lessons on fighting and self-defense to all available soldiers. They're actually not too bad and they learn quickly. Makes me feel like a March Warden again. Don't be fooled by the sudden turn, just because I don't want these humans to die doesn't mean I like them or wont pull a few pranks on them. Nobody should have to die at the hands of an orc-except the wine makers.

Mental Note: punish the wine makers _before_ showing them how real wine is made.

**Day..hot potato..**

Have given up on trying to reason with Denethor. Am now dividing time between giving lessons to soldiers and "helping" the people of Gondor. Started with "spicing up" the food given to Denethor's so called advisors. Honestly had no idea that humans could turn that shade of red. Conveniently made sure that that water was "delayed" Serves them right for calling me a "stuck up pansy."

Keeping up with one's appearance, especially when it comes to one's hygiene, is not the attribute of a "pansy."

Side note: have discovered where the tailors set up shop.

**Day..passing the mantel or, free at last!**

Gandalf arrived today (I thought he was balrog food? Guess I'm not the only one with a new lease on life) with one of the hobbits, who looked at me as if I was Sauron himself. It's so nice to be remembered. Said hobbit placed himself in Denethor's service, guess he thought he'd have a better chance with _2 _people of power protecting him. Ha!

Gandalf, oddly enough, was all white-even his hair. Either he thought it was time for a change or that hobbit has been causing him too much stress. Stress it's a killer….

Have passed on the advising duties to Gandalf. He is older and wiser but besides that, anybody that can remove the glazed over look from Denethor's eyes deserves to have the title. Might still keep my daily training sessions going these people_ really_ need it. However, will definitely now get on with what I do best, pulling pranks. Will start after I visit the wine makers.

Watch out Gondor here I come!


	5. Still in Gondor

Haldir's Diary 

Disclaimer: still not mine, though in my delusional states I own them….

Author's Note: The timeline will be affected here, just because I didn't want it to turn into one big journal entry. Oh and it's mostly movie-verse, incorporating both is a little daunting. Also the spacing between the journals is, at the moment, unfixable (believe me I tried several times). Again reviews are helpful, thanks.

Day..ohhhh fireworks or, the one wizard theme park.****

Have taught the wine makers two lessons. The first should never fade ( I am, after all, a good teacher) and the second should fade in a couple of weeks-if they're diligent about washing their faces. I would've preferred  neon green for them, but had to make do with purple. Either way the wine here will be surpassed only by that of the elves.

On another note, Gandalf had to go and chase the Black Riders off of the remaining soldiers of Osgiliath. He did this wonderful light show with his staff, wonder if he's been talking to Galadriel hmmm….

Met Denethor's other son you know, by the way old Dee was going on about Boromir, you'd never know he even had another son. I guess the age-old adage about the apple not falling far from the tree isn't true. Not only does Faramir not look like his father, he at least knows that there are alternative uses for water-besides drinking. He has given me hope for the rest of humanity.

Advisors had to delay their "meeting" (I think they're trying to get rid of me) in order to change their pants. Some evil conspirator put water on their chairs *looks around innocently* it was really funny though, the way they hobbled out of there, you would've thought that they had wet themselves. They think soggy pants are bad, just wait until they go to bed tonight. 

Day..I love you, you love me, let's go off and kill Barney… 

It's gotta really suck knowing your father doesn't love you. And what better way to send that message than by sending your remaining son on a suicide mission. I hope that this wasn't some master plan to inspire enlistment in the army because (and I know this is just my opinion) I really don't think it's gonna work. Gandalf's not taking it too well and has gone for some alone time. Denethor….well I'm choosing to believe that he realizes what he did and is now medicating himself with comfort food (which has conveniently been filled with black ink….what?!)…while having the hobbit sing to him-okay so he's pretty heartless.

Later… 

Have painted the Steward's chair with the words "Kick Me." Have gotten the paint to match the colour of the chair so as not to be completely obvious.

Later Still…

It worked, wonder if anyone is gonna a) tell him what's on his back or b) actually kick him. Either way that coat is ruined.

Chambermaids have been busy lately. Someone mixed a slimy concoction and put it in several of the advisor's beds. Advisor's not happy….

Day..haven't we been here before? 

Oi, where do I begin? Faramir, turns out, actually survived his trip to Osgiliath-barely, he's now a pin-cushion like his brother was before him and will be spending the next few weeks with the healers. But he had an army of orcs on his heels. Denethor saw him and completely lost it (and here I thought he had nothing left to lose). Did I mention he saw the army as well? Well he did and promptly started yelling "Run for your lives." Yep bravery in action. Gandalf quickly knocked him out and took command (Hey Gandalf, the coat said "Kick Me" not, "Hit Me" oh well whatever works).

You know what I just noticed? (And no comments about elven eyesight!!) The beacons have been lit. Turns out that the little hobbit lit them a while ago. I swear, if anyone answers that little hobbit will be exempt from pranks for the rest of his life!

Now where was I? Oh yes Gandalf and orcs. Battle was started with human heads being used as projectiles. Are now being overrun by orcs (having déjà vu remembering Helm's Deep) men are doing a brilliant job of fighting (am seeing many of my moves in play, which is always a good thing). There are so many orcs, I swear the world will end and the only thing that will be left are cockroaches and orcs. Pippin tried to help but honestly he's no bigger than an hors d'oeuvre compared to these things, Gandalf sent him inside.

Later… 

Pippin is officially exempt from pranks. Rohan came to help, though they didn't fare so well against the Oliphants. Though Prince Leggy was able to bring one down (show off). Denethor tried to kill his son-again (at least this time he had the nerve to do it himself?) but ended up taking a flying leap (gave him time to cool off, get it?  He he he).

And Later Still… 

Ranger of many names brought help (the elf and the dwarf don't count….he still has my bow!!), people that are even more dead than I was, finished off the orcs quickly enough. Great now he's gonna think I owe him. On the bright side, Elrond's twin sons came with him so now I'm not the only elf. Thank Eru for small mercies.

Side Note: We've all been given the night off so resources can be tallied and plans can be made. A meeting has been scheduled for tomorrow morning to decide what to do next. And yes "Nature Boy" thinks I owe him, I think he's still mad about his butt burn…

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	6. Sauron's Gate and a New Job

Haldir's Diary 

Disclaimer: I've checked several times, but each time it says that they're still not mine. I maintain that it's a typo….

Author's note: I have nothing against Theoden either (in fact got a little teary eyed during the scene he died) but somehow I just can't resist picking on him just a little. This is officially the last chapter. I'd really like to thank all the people who reviewed this story, both past and present. You guys really helped me continue to plug away at this, even when nothing was really coming in the way of ideas.

Day..coffee anyone? Or the early bird gets the worm… 

Day started off with a _very_ early morning meeting. It seems someone sent out a missive to start the meeting almost 3 hours _before_ dawn (the meeting was originally scheduled for dawn). No one was happy to know that they could've had at least 2 extra hours of sleep. Most (except the elf, darn elven abilities)came in bleary eyed and kinda like living zombies as bedtime was only two hours ago. Advisors are starting to be very suspicious of me, have no idea why though (just because elves are masters of art doesn't automatically make me the guilty party here!)…

Decision was made to go to the Black Gates and present ourselves as bait to Sauron and give the hobbits a chance to destroy the ring.  Aragorn will lead Gondor as pretty much everyone recognizes him as King (guess that means no more pranks for him either); Eomer will lead Rohan as the previous king was turned into a pancake by his horse (see what you get when you don't love your animal?).

Was approached by "Nature Boy" and have now "volunteered" to go with them. I believe it went something like "you will go and solidify the presence of the elves in this war." Personally I think he's been paying too much attention to those advisors, who say that I'm a nuisance and will destroy Gondor. The nerve of them, I wont destroy Gondor!

Have decorated Prince Leggy's pack (and change of clothes) with pretty pink ribbons. I think it suits him, really brings out his eyes *smirk*. Knowing where the tailors keep shop paid off-not my fault he left his clothes with them, after all elves can alter their own clothes.  

Day..everyone loves a road trip right? 

Set out for Morder this morning (I still can't believe I'm doing this, I'm over a thousand years old, you'd think that by now I'd have found a better past time) and would you believe that I've been given the task of carrying a banner. Elves in servitude, what is this world coming to. Wannabe king has been keeping a close eye on me as of late, so have been unable to pull any pranks been receiving quite a few glares from the pansy *smirk*. Will up my "sneak factor," no human is going to get the best of me. Must make mental note to really make advisors pay.

Later 

Have put burrs in the boots of several humans while we were at a rest stop. Humans are now dancing their way to Mordor as that was the last rest stop until we get there. Interestingly enough these humans have rhythm. Wanna be king seems impressed at their moral, if he only knew…

Side note: this trip eerily reminds me of the journey to Helm's Deep, am seriously contemplating going back with the excuse "I'm sick," which isn't too far from the truth-this place stinks! However, the scenery does change, it went from sorta dead to really dead.

Day..how many orcs would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck orcs… 

Arrived at Black Gates, where Wannabe king gave a moving speech about how we had to fight and shouldn't be afraid-he just forgot the part that says that most of us wont be going home. He then, with a party of four (if you don't count the two hobbits on Eomer's and Gandalf's horses), tried to challenge and bait Sauron to come out (buddy he doesn't have a body, how did you expect him to open the door?). Well Sauron didn't come out but he sent the welcoming committee, and it really got messing (it's gonna take me weeks to get this orc blood outta my hair, I'm sending "Nature Boy" the bill). Orcs and Goblins abounded and much blood was shed (human and orc…and a couple of goblins), many limbs went flying (mostly human and orc) and many nails were broken (mine *sob*).

Just when we thought it was all over some kinda rumbling could be heard and Sauron's tower toppled (really have to get Frodo and Sam a gift, wonder if they'd spaz if I got them jewellery… *evil grin*). Orcs looked puzzled for a second and then the earth crumbled beneath them finishing off what we had started (I could've taken them all single handedly though, I just thought I'd give everyone else a chance…) 

Are now headed home

Day..rumphrr mmmeeehhh gooo!!!! 

Amh trynn to geehht ouht ofh here, amph innophent I swere….

Day..it wasn't me!! 

Was tied and gagged for trip back to Gondor after several people's pants seams came undone (humans, they just can't take a joke). Wannabe be Ranger, formally known as Wannabe king, insisted on getting to Gondor "with as much speed as the Valar permits." He thought my "antics" would slow us down.

I came and fought orcs in an attempt to save Middle Earth and this is the thanks I get?! Geez see if I ever help again.

Am currently hiding out as many men discovered that it was me who had been flirting with their women (I can't help it if women find me irresistible). Have also paid advisors for their "courtesy" towards me. They wont be able to sit for a while after they sat on the pins I placed in the cushions of their chairs. Must get ready for Wannabe Ranger's coronation.

Later 

Was placed beside advisors, who are not giving me friendly looks, I guess they're still sore about all the pranks I pulled on them (ha ha sore!). Was pretty nice ceremony if I do say so myself, but Arwen actually chose the Ranger (what's he got that I don't-besides facial hair?). Of all the elves she chose him! I could've tolerated it if she had chose the elf brat, but a human?! Why!?!

In other news Denethor's only remaining son (formally known as pin-cushion boy) found love in the Halls of healing. He'll marry Eomer's sister in a couple of weeks; it's good to see the good guys come out on top.

Have found out that Galadriel will be sailing West, with Elrond, shortly. Celeborn will be staying and holding down the fort in Rivendell (more like keeping an eye on Elrond's remaining offspring, who are still undecided about the whole sailing issue, you think I pull pranks? You haven't seen these two…). Was given a choice of where I'd like to go, west with Galadriel, Rivendell with Celeborn or (get this) remain in Gondor. Yep you read that last part right. Aragorn-sorry it's Ellessar  now, just add it to his list of names, offered to let me stay here. Apparently he thinks my advanced (I'm choosing not to take offense) years and "boundless" energy would be good for teaching children. I think I'll take him up on it, me a teacher, just think of all the possibilities….

Later Still 

Will accept teaching position after an extended camping trip. A water bucket wired to the door spilled on newly crowned king of Gondor, he's completely drenched. Arwen likes it, but he's not too happy about it. He wasn't supposed to be done his meeting for several hours, how was I supposed to know that he'd get to the door before his advisors?

Please review.


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